Me

Though I have in and out of many relationships, I can not say with confidence that I’ve known and dealt with everything. No two relationships are the same. Each has their own advantages & disadvantages. What separate the good from the bad is how persistent enough the two persons to make it work despite of the disadvantages. It is common sense that you can’t find everything you want in one person. No person can match your ideal partner. Because, the word “ideal” itself is non-existent in real life setting.

Having said that I guess I’m always clinging to the idea of “ideal”. This probably explains why in the past, I have always doubt and dissatisfaction. I have set my expectations too high that nobody can live up to it. I have given up on the fact that love should be measured–how much you give and take. If I’m in love, I don’t hold back. I have to give my heart & soul. People will always say over and over again, you should hold back because in case it ends, you’re the one who’s going to be broken. Honestly, I don’t care. It’s as if I’m cheating if I don’t give it my 100%.

However, there will come a person that will make you give more than 100%. Have you ever loved someone so much that you wake up in the morning and sleep at night thinking of him/her? Have you ever needed someone that you want to do (if possible) all things together? Have you ever longed for someone that even for just few hours being apart you miss him/her? Some will regard it as obsession but I think it’s not. It’s just a higher form of love transcended by the human mind.

But there is always a danger to this higher form of love. Anything too much is bad. Giving more than enough suffocates your partner. He/she will be tired of it eventually. I have been through this before. We just ended up hating each other. Even though it is the greatest feeling on earth to find that one person, there should be boundaries. You’ve got to have a separate life; hobbies & interests that yours alone; friends of your own. This is not saying you have to detach yourself from your partner but this is just simply having a life of your own.

Walk the talk. I have all these ideas in my mind but I always fail to execute. As of now, I’m trying even though I’m having difficulty.

Because that’s simply not me but in order for the relationship to grow, I must change. I must put a limit even though it’s breaking me inside. I will learn to cope and get used to the feeling.

Having said that, I have to run more. I haven’t run that much lately. Running clears my mind and relieves me of stress. I need to re-connect and go out more with my friends. I need to write more. I need to read more. I need to visit new places. I have forgotten that I still have a bucket list to fulfill. The list I made for myself. I must love myself.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to be single. Having my partner now is the biggest blessing from last year. I love him too much but I need to start looking after myself.

I really don’t know If I can do all the things I’ve written but I’m going to try.